How to give and respond to ultimatums

Ultimatums are a big deal. Ideally, you’ll navigate negotiations so that you never need to issue an ultimatum – they truly are a last resort.

But it’s always best to be prepared in case the need arises – or someone gives you an ultimatum. So here’s a guide to issuing, and responding to, ultimatums.

And while the beauty of negotiation tactics is that they can be used in all your interpersonal relationships, ultimatums are a bit special. Because they carry such risk, you have to reframe how you think about them when used with loved ones. You'll find out why later, but let's start with the basics.

What is an ultimatum?

An ultimatum is made up of two elements:

A final demand or statement of terms
A negative outcome that will happen if those terms are not agreed to/met

The key word here is ‘final’. Ultimatums are not to be played around with! Once you start suggesting you’ll walk away or enact other sanctions, you have to mean it. Otherwise, your integrity and reputation will be in ruins - as well as your relationship with your counterpart!

Depending on what you’re negotiating about, ultimatums can look very different. Some common examples:

From a buyer: That’s my final offer. If you can’t give me that price, I’ll have to walk away without making a purchase.
From a seller: That’s the absolute best price I can do. If you don’t accept, then I can’t sell it to you.
In contract negotiations: These are the best terms I can offer. If you can’t accept these, there will be no agreement between our two parties.
In a relationship: That’s a hard boundary for me. You can do X if you believe you have to, but I’ll have to walk away from this relationship.

Bear in mind, these examples aren’t exactly how we’d recommend phrasing your ultimatum. We’ll talk more about that later.

The outcome of a rejected ultimatum is usually that the negotiation comes to an end and neither party gets what they want. Not only is that disappointing, it can also result in a permanent breakdown in the relationship between you and your counterpart.

That’s why issuing an ultimatum must never be done lightly.

When should you use an ultimatum?

An ultimatum is an excellent way to create urgency when negotiations have been dragging on and a resolution seems unlikely. It can be tempting to use them to try to ‘frighten’ your counterpart into a decision, but this is not advisable. The risk of ruining your relationship, reputation and future deals with your counterpart means it’s wise to exhaust all other options first.

How to issue an effective ultimatum

First, decide if you truly have reached your bottom line.

Once you’re absolutely sure you have no other options and you are prepared to walk the walk, it’s time to put together your ultimatum.

Start by asking your counterpart if they even want to continue negotiating. If they seem unsure, you can either take a short break or agree to end things for the day and try again later. A bit of space away from the negotiating table might help you come up with new angles to try. If they say no, agree that the negotiation has ended: no deal can be made.

Walking away at this point – without issuing an ultimatum – might leave the floor open for you to work together on new projects in the future. That’s a great suggestion to make, before you leave, too. Collaborating on another project can help you find a way back to the negotiating table in future.

If they do want to continue, it’s time for you to show them how you have come to this point. Explain that you have reached your bottom line and, if you can, demonstrate that you have no other options. For example, if you’re buying stock to sell on and the margins are too small at the price they’re offering, explain this.

Then lay out, very clearly, the final terms and the outcome if they don’t accept them. So your script might read something like:

“We’ve tried to come to an agreement, but unfortunately we’ve reached my bottom line. I can’t make any further concessions or accept a lower price than X. If that doesn’t work for you, I’ll have to walk away.”

Notice how you start with a ‘we’ statement? This reminds your counterpart that you’re working together to overcome a shared problem. It helps take the edge off the fact that what you’re about to say might be disappointing to them.

The trick after delivering an ultimatum is to hold your nerve. There is likely to be an awkward silence while your counterpart processes what you’re saying. Do not fill this silence, however tempting it might be!

Why? You have carefully planned your ultimatum. You don’t want to ruin it with an unplanned follow-up statement. Second, your brain will desperately want to ease the awkwardness and will probably jump straight to trying to appease your counterpart or walk back on what you’ve just said. This can make you look weak or indecisive, as well as making it seem like your ultimatum was not genuine.

So, you wait. And when your counterpart replies, listen carefully and plan to pause before you respond.

Can you use ultimatums in personal relationships?

Outside of business, you have to be even more careful when issuing an ultimatum. It's very easy sound like you're imposing rules or issuing a threat, neither of which are acceptable in most loving relationships.

But you can still use an ultimatum. It will still carry the risk of damaging or ruining the relationship, but you generally won’t use an ultimatum except where that’s the likely outcome of not reaching an agreement anyway.

However, you shouldn’t frame it as an ultimatum. Instead, think of it more as setting a boundary. We should all have boundaries, and we should know what our course of action will be if they are breached. But what’s the difference between responding to a boundary being crossed, and giving an ultimatum?

Well, when you set a boundary, think of it as a minimum level of treatment that you expect. For example, consider these two ways to frame the same sentiment:

“I won’t accept being sworn at or called unkind names”.
“You aren’t allowed to swear at me or call me names”.

The first is about what you will and won’t accept: a boundary. The second is about the other person’s behaviour: a rule. We don’t get to set rules for other people.

This is why the second part - the consequence - is so important. You can decide that if a loved one swears at you, you’ll have one serious conversation with them about the behaviour and if they do it again, you’ll step away from the relationship. The consequence is what allows you to enforce and uphold your boundaries without setting ‘rules’.

It’s a subtle difference in framing, but it can be really helpful. It makes it easier for you to say your piece, because it sounds much more productive to state a boundary rather than give an ultimatum or set rules.

Of course, there’s lots of nuance to interpersonal communication, and this is just a very light overview of what a successful ultimatum might look like outside of the world of work.

How to respond to an ultimatum

Back to the professional world! Responding to an ultimatum can be tough - it’s an emotionally charged situation and there can be a lot at stake.

If you have prepared for the negotiation, you should have a solid fallback plan in place. This is absolutely vital, because it helps you to understand exactly what you’ll do if you can’t reach an agreement. That, in turn, helps you understand how badly you need to make the agreement happen.

For example, if you are negotiating with a potential new employer about salary and they tell you they’re taking the offer off the table if you don’t accept their final offer, your fallback plan will dictate your response.

If you are currently employed in a job that pays well enough, you just fancied a change, your fallback plan is to continue in your current employment.
If you are currently unemployed and struggling to make ends meet, your fallback plan is to continue looking for other jobs.

In the first example, you might say ‘Thanks, but no thanks’ to the offer. In the second, you might be more inclined to accept what’s on offer.

So, to be absolutely sure that the ultimatum is a genuine ‘final offer’, ask. Ask directly and use your counterpart’s name to show you are aware of the gravity of the situation.

“That sounds pretty final, Saj. Is it?”

Sometimes the answer will be ‘yes’. Sometimes it will be flustered backtracking, which shows there is still some room for you to push for better terms. If that happens, ask “How do you think we can continue?” - this puts the onus on them to make a recommendation, while still framing yourselves as a team trying to reach a shared goal.

This is also a good time to ask for a pause to consider your options.

If they say it is final, or you keep discussing the terms and still can’t reach an agreement, it’s time to issue a pivotal question. This is an open question that doesn’t give your counterpart an easy way to say ‘no’. Often, it sounds something like:

“What can I possibly say or do to persuade you to keep working with me on this?”.

Then, and only then, do you need to respond directly to the ultimatum if they say it still stands. At this point, you know you’ll have done everything you can do.

Never assume the outcome

One final tip: never assume the outcome of a negotiation. It’s dangerous to plan or negotiate thinking that you know how things are going to pan out.

Why is this so important to bear in mind?

You might follow the above information perfectly. And it’ll work! The first time, and the second. Maybe even a third time.

But the fourth time, if you assume it’s going to go in your favour, perhaps you hold back. You are expecting to give an ultimatum, and for your counterpart to ask you that pivotal question.

But they don’t do it. They just walk away, even though you know you still have a little more leeway. Leeway that - had you used before it came to an ultimatum - might have secured you a deal.

Every negotiation and counterpart is different. However much research you do, however much you prepare - you will still only know half the story. There are lots of reasons your counterpart may not play along with the script you have all planned out in your mind.

That’s why an ultimatum is best saved for when you truly have nowhere else to go, and you should always go into negotiations with an open mind as to what the outcome might be.